I’m not an anxious person, but bouts of anxiety have been seizing my insides lately. It began in the wee hours before a heavy rainfall. By mid-morning my bedroom was flooded. I moved things off the floor and heaved my dresser onto my bed to prevent water damage, all the while madly proclaiming ‘life is happening for me and not to me’ repeatedly in my head. Fortunately, I had a lunch date. When I returned, the water had receded.
While the water very slowly evaporates, I sleep on one half of my bed while the drawer takes the other half. My comforter is pinned underneath it, so I’m sleeping under half a comforter too. My desk is crammed with things. The dryer has gone kaput, and my wet laundry is draped all over the place. The windows seem permanently fogged and streaked with condensation. Mold has begun to creep along the sill. It’s chaos.
There are many things that could be triggering the anxiety: intuition, chaotic environment, impending move, mold.
The fact that my reality is of my own creation had already been slowly dawning on me, and that is also anxiety-inducing. The weather is out of my control, but heavy rainfalls in the past have caused flooding in the lesser-inhabited parts of this house, like the laundry room. It was only a matter of time before the flood waters reached me.
Human society has decreed floods an act of God.
I made the decision to stay. I’m faced with the same questions now as I was then. Do I move to a place that will inevitably be less affordable and possibly out in the boondocks? Or do I put up with my living situation? Heavy rainfalls don’t happen every weekend.
That’s all life, or reality, really is, a series of the decisions I’ve made. Even situations seemingly out of my control that influence or shake up my reality, on a fundamental level, I still made a decision. Deciding to not do anything is a decision. I am the one who decides to stay, take action, do nothing, or put something off to a more convenient moment.
Resisting making a decision or opting for the comfort zone are decisions based in fear.
I am the primary decision-maker for my life, and my reality is a reflection of the decisions I’ve made. My present moment is a culmination of decisions I've made in present moments past. All we have is the present moment, and we can let it pass by or we can exploit it to its fullest potential.
Others can also influence my decisions, and my present reality may not be completely of my own making. I must only point the finger at myself, rather than someone else, because only then can I take full responsibility for my life and get back in control. I am the one who will live this life till the end.
I think about my ideal life, and the version of me that is living it. All that I want is around me waiting to be yanked into reality through my decision-making powers. The thing is, I don’t know what to choose. I don’t know what I want.
If I don’t know what I truly want right now, then decision-making becomes difficult. I tell myself I want love, but am I ready for love to show up tomorrow? Or am I a bit hesitant towards love because I want my reality to look different than the one I’m currently experiencing before love comes and therefore on a subconscious level I’m blocking it? In order for me to make the decisions that will get me the reality I desire, I need to know what I want first.
Rather than mull, I sit in meditation to feel.
Now as I move about the chaos, I think about that girl who always shows up in my imaginings. The girl who is the best version of me and living her best life. What would she do? I ask myself this each time I’m faced with a decision, no matter how big or small. I ask ‘what would she do?’ when I get dressed, make my meals, go grocery shopping, and even when I’m procrastinating. Before every single thing I do, I ask myself what would that girl do? I am already her, I just have to make the decisions and choices she would make.
I don’t need to have it all figured out in this moment. I just evaluate whether or not the decision I’ve made is rooted in fear with the understanding that I may have to step outside of my comfort zone, and I take it one decision at a time.
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